Here is a collation of my every-so-often observations of life in lock down.
1. Today I cracked out the hoodie. I own two, both are hand me downs from Tex, and both needed a wash after floating around the boot of the car for the past 2 years. Possibly one of the most flattering garments I have ever worn…not. One says “Nerd Power” on it. Im owning it.
2. Incoming children are more annoying than incoming phone calls.
3. I am mostly heard to say ‘Stop, don’t throw out that jar.’
4. Old University habits die hard. In a world of changes, it’s so reassuring that The Bold and the Beautiful stays the same.
5. Jonahism of the day: Life is a mind game.
1. It will take 56 minutes and 38 seconds to get your Analog parents hooked up for a family zoom call. (Thanks to our family IT department Lisa Schneider)
2. No the dog does not want another walk today.
3. Googles most searched term today is ‘two minute noodle hacks’. Seriously my mum used to make us this dish that was two minute noodles+tomato sauce+mayonnaise+a can of tuna and grated Kraft cheese.If we were lucky she added optional corn kernels. Dinner sorted for you.
4. Why is everyone posting pics of them home schooling when it’s school holidays in VIc?
1. It’s impossible to do 5:2 when you’re home 7:0 and can see the fridge from your workstation.
2. I will need to be in lockdown until 2024 to complete all the webinars and free online courses I have registered for￼.
3. My SCOBY died today. However I’ve kept it alive longer than any houseplant I’ve ever owned so I guess that’s a win.
4. Dining room chairs are shit office chairs.
1. It is impossible for four people on a Zoom call to sing Happy Birthday in sync. Im not buying that 500 strong choirs can do it.
2. The most common grammatical error on FB is spelling aloud instead of allowed. Nutters!
3. I predict the return of the kaftan (ok, I would like to buy a kaftan)
4. I got emotional when I saw the Aussie Post guy pull up outside the house. He is a new form of God.
1. Without outside influences, my natural diet appears to be 99% Italian￼.
2. I’ve almost completed Netflix. Is there a prize?
3. Nev-be – is a new word that summarises the things I said I would never let my kids do and how quickly they are becoming maybes.
4. My daily wardrobe is being styled by the bedroom chair. It’s a real LIFO approach to fashion.
5. Pell is so fucking guilty.
1. Handy social distancing measure. 1.5 metres is the same as 5 wine bottles end to end.
2. We are now effectively barricaded in our home by all the bags of clothes we will be sending to the op shop￼ after this is over.
3. Several times this week I have mistaken my ugg boot for the cat or hmmm…was that my cat for an ugg boot?
4. My contribution to glass recycling has increased significantly￼(see pt1)
1. My post covid19 super power will be yawning.
2. I am now taking life instructions from my cat
3. Pissed posting on Facebook is up 56% but there appears to be no strategies to flatten the curve.4. Red wine is my kind of Easter egg.
1. Yesterday I had an up close and intimate conversation with my dad’s ear hole. Thanks FaceTime￼.
2. Today’s most googled phrase – ‘when does term 2 end?’
3. You can type ‘Pew pew’ into a text message and send to the friends you want to impress most. (But not your 12 year old son who will think it’s super lame). You’re welcome.
4. You can read the state of the nation by how many times the word ‘fuck’ is used in posts on Facebook.
1. Found my generally oppositional kids in deep conversation. So happy they were getting on…until I realised they were complaining about me. (Apparently I am only nice when I drink wine)
2. You know it’s time to take a break from the socials when you actually start rehearsing a Tik Tok of your own
3. Bin isolation outing posts outnumber any other subject matter on Facebook.
4. The dog is hiding from me and the cat is not taking kindly to lead training.
5. Pondering if Lake Eildon is the Victorian equivalent of the Ozarks.
- Tex and I invented a cocktail in commemoration of Covid19 – it’s called the “Yeah-Nah”
2. In order to control alcohol consumption try starting early say 8am and finish drinking at lunch time. Sober by dinner. Yeah good luck with that. (Thanks G for the tip)
3. My pedometers favourite colour is red. My best day yet is 8 steps.
4. Cleaned out the pantry. Best find was arrowroot circa 2006 making it older than my firstborn. What the fuck do you even use it for?
5. A reduction in my obs would appear to mean this whole lockdown thing is somehow approaching normal…Yikes
- The phrase ‘I’m flattening the curve’ is a useful expression that will get you out of just about anything. Try these:
❓Are you still in bed at 2 pm in the afternoon? 🛌Yes I’m flattening the curve.
❓Do you really need that second piece of chocolate fudge cake? 👏Yes I’m committed to flattening the curve.
❓Is that your second bottle of wine? 🍷Just doing my bit to flatten the curve darl.
See it works.
2. I don’t actually know anyone who has had Covid 19.
3. I have mastered the 3-pair-of-tracky-pants rotation in wardrobe planning. It’s going to be like I have a whole new wardrobe when we get proper dressed again…if anything still fits.
4. For a small town that doesn’t even have an Uber let alone Ubereats, the level of home delivery service now available is miraculous.
5. I’ve been slightly obsessed with home hair cutting videos but no one in this house will give me scissors.
- Because I talk too much (allegedly), my children have asked the local IGA to continue their ‘no loitering and chatting to people’ policy for me indefinitely.
- If COVID-19 was a theme park ride, it would be the Graviton.
- The biggest challenge has been the short-term memory loss.. hang on what was I saying?
- Tex spilt my wine just now and Jonah said ‘don’t worry mum we can lick it up off the bench.’ This is proof that iso gets to everyone eventually.
(C) Lindy Schneider